The Lizard Chronicles

Some of this is true. Some of this is better. –Too Much Joy

A Tale of Three Outfits–Saturday Nights in Edison Park July 30, 2012

Filed under: Clothing,Life tales — lizardesque @ 12:37 am
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I try very hard not to judge people too harshly on the clothes they wear. The thing is, sometimes, people make that so very hard. The last couple of Saturdays while out and about in nearby Edison Park (a Northwest side Chicago neighborhood), I have seen a few ensembles that I cannot help but blog about.

The fabric looked much like this, but with giraffes and zebras too

1. When frump attacks

This outfit was spotted on a 50s-60s-ish woman who was part of a large birthday celebration at an Italian restaurant. This particular restaurant is pretty casual, so it’s not as if one needs to be dressed to the nines, or even the eights (Is that a thing? I think it should be.) to dine there. The outfit was a rayon pajama-like ensemble with an African safari – themed print. I have previously expressed my opinions about the wearing of pajamas in public. Although I will concede that this outfit was probably technically not pajamas (and ugly pajamas at that), there was little to differentiate it from pajamas. A loose-fitting, boxy shirt topped off a pair of baggy capri pants, all in the safari print. I realize that people have different tastes. The print was most definitely not my thing, but maybe it was hers. Fine, taste in prints is subjective. Even so, to choose to wear this print from neck to mid-calf in a loose, completely unflattering cut…why? Just why? Some might say she just wanted to be comfortable. I can relate. I like being comfortable. In fact, I rather avoid wearing clothes that are not comfortable, so I can tell you that baggy rayon is not actually required for comfort. There are plenty of clothes out there that are comfortable, actually fit, and still manage not to look like sleepwear. This woman was attractive, but I hardly noticed because I found it very hard to stop staring at the awfulness that was her getup.

2. PINK!!!

As I walked past a bar last night, I spotted a woman near one of the windows. She was pretty hard to miss, with her neon pink velour sweatpants and white tank top. I have nothing against sweatpants a priori. They’re great for sleeping, working out, and lounging about the house. I, myself, tend to shy away from velour, but that’s mostly because velour in my house would be a cat hair nightmare. However, other than for exercise-related activities, my feelings on wearing sweatpants in public are pretty much the same as on wearing pajamas in public. In other words. no. Stop it. You can be comfortable in real clothes. I promise. I might have been more forgiving of this outfit if I had encountered it at a grocery store or a gas station. After all, this woman could have just been making a quick stop on her way to or from the gym. At a bar, though? Sorry. No. Go home and put on real clothes before you go out to a bar. If your urgency to get to the bar is so great that you can’t fathom taking the time to put on real clothes, you may need to closely examine your drinking habits. What would have been the icing on the pink cake of this outfit is if the backside of the sweatpants had “Juicy” or “Pink” emblazoned upon it. Alas, I could not tell if this was the case (the woman was seated). Publicly visible ass writing is almost never acceptable in my book. If you want to have underwear with writing on it or a tattoo of the name of your beloved shih tzu fine, that’s your business, but beyond perhaps a small tag on he back of a pair of jeans, keep the ass writing out of site, please! Ass writing is not your friend.

This skirt is at least twice as long as the one donned by Sacaglowea.

3. Sacaglowea the naughty Catholic schoolgirl

Speaking of ass, I really don’t want to see your ass cheeks if I am just minding my own business, walking down the street. Outside of an Edison Park bar, I saw a girl dressed in, what she apparently thought was a skirt, but was more likely a pleated plaid handkerchief. I’ve seen some sexy Catholic school girl costumes in Halloween costume catalogs. This skirt would make those skirts blush. This skirt allowed anyone who looked in the right (or wrong, depending on your point of view) direction to glimpse the ass cheeks and lace edge of the panties of this woman. I don’t consider myself particularly uptight, and I might have been less shocked if I had seen this outfit in a downtown club rather than in somewhat sleepy Edison Park. Even so, no. NO. This “skirt” was foreplay wear for the bedroom, not for the street. The outfit was topped off by a tank top and a glowing headband worn down onto her forehead, reminding me of some sort of futuristic Native American space traveling headdress. Sincere apologies to Sacajawea.

Ian later asked me, if I had to choose one of these lovely ensembles to wear out, which one would it be? At first, I picked the safari ensemble, reasoning that, questionable as it was, at least it was real clothing. However, now I’m reconsidering, and I think I would have to go with the pink sweatpants. I think I’d rather people just I’d assumed I’d given up to the point where I was going out in sweatpants to drink than have them think I’d actually considered and chosen the safari pseudopajamas for a dinner out.

On third thought, can I just stay home?


No Thank You October 12, 2011

Filed under: Clothing — lizardesque @ 5:33 pm
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File under Patterns I Don’t Want On My Butt:

Really, it's just missing some horizontal stripes and the word "Juicy"



Things I Don’t Understand September 9, 2011

Filed under: Oddities — lizardesque @ 6:53 pm
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$300 luggage tags

Hi! I have more money than sense!


Cringe-worthy words August 3, 2011

Filed under: Writing — lizardesque @ 4:37 pm
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These words make me cringe. It’s not that I oppose them a priori, rather, I hate the way they have come be used…and overused!

Natural: So many people have the idea that if something is natural, it must be good for you and it cannot possibly be harmful. Food product labels boast, “All Natural!” and many people are taken in, thinking that they are making a healthy choice, which may or may not be true. In fact, “all natural” means nothing in terms of a food’s nutritional content, nor does it mean that the product is safe or will benefit you in any way. To illustrate my point, here’s a list of things that are natural:

  • Poison ivy
  • Poison oak
  • Cyanide
  • Deadly nightshade
  • Hemlock
  • Strychnine
  • Botulinum toxin
  • Great white sharks
  • Swarms of bees
  • Rattlesnakes

See my point?

Chemical: “Oh, I don’t eat anything with chemicals in it!” I’ve heard this proclaimed numerous times, and it is, of course, nonsense because if it were true, the person would not be alive to make such a ridiculous claim. In fact, a chemical substance is simply one that cannot be broken into its individual components by physical means (that is, without breaking chemical bonds). For example, water cannot by broken down by physical means. No amount of splashing or swirling will break water into its components of hydrogen and oxygen. On the other hand, running a direct current through it (ie, electrolysis) can make this happen. So, what I’m saying here is water is a chemical.

I understand that when people use the word chemicals in the context I have cited above, what they usually mean is something that is not natural. Of course, you know by now that natural means next to nothing.

Toxin: Lately, when I hear people use the word toxin, I automatically assume they don’t know what they are talking about and/or they are trying to sell me something. “Oh, this _________ (cleanse, diet, exercise, gimmicky shake, etc) helps rid the body of toxins!” What toxins? How? Give me specifics or stop talking.

Technically defined, toxin refers to a poisonous substance produced within living organisms. OMG, that means toxins are natural! Using a more nontechnical definition, toxin refers to any substance that can cause damage to an organism. So, pretty much anything can be toxic in large enough quantities. Ever hear of water intoxication?

Holy cow, water is a chemical and can be toxic! It’s a bad day for dihydrogen monoxide.


Frightening Fashion Find July 31, 2011

Filed under: Clothing — lizardesque @ 3:45 pm
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Um, yeah…