The Lizard Chronicles

Some of this is true. Some of this is better. –Too Much Joy

The Offenders May 22, 2013

Filed under: Psychology,Rants,Writing — lizardesque @ 7:42 am
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Far from home

Far from home

People who do not return their shopping carts to corrals in store parking lots encapsulate everything that is wrong with the world. I’ve been silent long enough and feel I must speak out against those who leave their shopping cart beside their cars instead of taking them to the designated collection areas—selfish, lazy, and borderline sociopaths! Some might think I’m being harsh and that it’s not that big of a deal. After all, it’s unlikely that anyone has ever died or been seriously injured by a wayward cart. So, yes, there are worse offenses of selfish carelessness, but by refusing to return a cart to the corral, the Offenders allow us a glimpse into their rotten core. They are telling everyone that they cannot be bothered to abide by the rules of being a decent person.

The unreturned cart could dent someone’s car. It could inconvenience someone by blocking a parking space, causing her to have to look for another space or get out of her car (before parking, probably inconveniencing other would-be parkers in the process) and move the cart that was the Offender’s responsibility in the first place. Maybe that’s not the end of the world, but it could all be avoided if people would take 30 seconds to do their end-of-shopping duty.

I’ve heard all the excuses. Some of them aren’t even excuses. “I’ll admit it. I’m lazy,” a person whose name I will not divulge once said to me with a shrug and a please-don’t-hate-me look. No. I’m lazy. I know lazy. I can be so lazy that I groan and ignore dryer lint that falls inches short of the trash bin when I attempt to toss it in. This inconveniences no one. I’ll get to it later. The Offenders and their cart-abandoning habits are not simply lazy. They are rude, thoughtless, and reprehensible.

“Oh, but it was raining/snowing/windy/hot,” Offenders have whined throughout the ages. Guess what—people have brought carts to corrals under many sorts of inclement weather conditions and lived to tell about it. What’s more, the weather probably will still suck when someone else has to take care of the Offenders’ carts.

“Oh, but I had my kids with me and…” The Offender then goes on to describe how returning a shopping cart to the corral is an absolute physical impossibility when one is accompanied by children. Here, the Offender is not only lying but is also using his or her children as an excuse for being a despicable human being. After all, the Offender managed to get the kids into the car, take them to the store, and complete his or her shopping with the kids in tow. It is absolutely possible to return a cart to the corral without putting one’s children in mortal danger. I promise.

I call upon you, dear readers, to help me in my quest expose the Offenders! Do not put up with their excuses! Shine a light on their sociopathic tendencies! Shame them into good behavior!

And keep returning your carts, for the sake of all that is good in the world!


Perhaps my greatest contribution to the field of psychology August 12, 2011

Filed under: Life tales,Psychology — lizardesque @ 9:44 pm
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When I was studying psychology as an undergrad, I leaned about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a theory first proposed by Abraham Maslow in 1943. Basically, the theory states that people have various different levels of need. The lower levels of need must be met before a person can truly begin to concentrate on fulfilling the next level of needs. The levels of need are often represented in a pyramid like this.

A typical representation of Maslow's hierarchy of needs

The theory made a certain degree of sense to me, but I thought there was something missing. Then one day as I was dressing, my hair became mussed, and some of it ended up in my mouth. I abandoned the act of dressing myself and sputtered and pawed at my mouth, desperate to remove the hair. This is when I devised the Maslow-Ott hierarchy of needs (Ott is my maiden name). I’ve often spoken of it but never published it until now. Anyone who has ever gotten a hair in his or her mouth (which is probably just about everyone) will tell you this is true. For those moments, nothing else matters. Getting that hair out of your mouth becomes your one and only mission.

The Maslow-Ott hierarchy of needs