A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a lounge on a cruise ship, enjoying a cocktail, when I noticed a persistent squeaking sound that reminded me of the hot dog squeaky toy that my childhood dog used to chew on. I looked around, spotted a little girl of about 3, and figured she must have some toy that was the source of the sound. I tried to ignore it, but the noise persisted. Why people give children toys that make noise I will never know. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the little girl jumping up and down and noticed that the squeaking matched the timing of her leaps. At first, I thought she was just squeezing whatever noise-making toy she had in rhythm with her jumping, but I realized the situation was much worse.
The noise was coming from her shoes.
(dun dun DUN)
This toddler was wearing shoes with some sort of squeaking device embedded in them. Before long, she stopped jumping, but she still squeaked with every step. The only apparent way to stop it was to take her shoes away or pick her up (both of which are frowned upon if you are a stranger to said toddler).
For the love of all that is good, why would someone invent squeaking shoes for children???
Upon further investigation, I learned that these shoes do offer the option of removing the squeakers for “quieter times” (ie, to prevent parents and/or innocent bystanders from flying into homicidal rages). In looking at the Wee Squeak website, I learned that some parents seem to feel the need to outfit their children in squeaky shoes in order to keep track of them. Now, I’ve never been a fan of the kid leash, but please parents, if the choice comes down to leash or squeaky shoes, opt for the leash.
Squeaking shoes for children has officially unseated the Epilady in my personal list of worst inventions ever.
* Disclaimer: Please note that I am prone to using hyperbole. I’m not suggesting that this invention is actually worse than things like the nuclear bomb, Agent Orange, or Microsoft Power Point. Just go with me here.