* Anecdotal reports have suggested that Liz can alleviate boredom, bakes awesome banana bread, is fun at parties, has pretty hair, and kicks butt at Words With Friends. Liz has also been purported to be effective in debates on a variety of topics, in shoe-selection dilemmas, and as proofreader, provider of wit, and all-around good friend. These statements have not been examined by the FDA, but why would they be?
Liz must be fed and watered at regular intervals, otherwise, extreme crankiness may ensue. If this should happen, please visit your refrigerator immediately.
Please be advised that Liz is prone to the telling of corny jokes, occasionally excessive chit-chat about her cats, correcting of improper grammar, and the spontaneous assumption of yoga poses. Additionally, although Liz has received little to no formal training in song and dance, she frequently engages in such activities without advance notice.
Recommended doses of Liz vary depending on the desired effects, the amount of free time she has, and how much she likes you.
Liz should not be relied upon to reach items on high shelves, do calculus, keep basil plants alive, or fix automotive problems.
For best results, Liz should be kept at temperatures between 72 and 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Liz should be kept out of direct sunlight as much as possible. Regular application of SPF 45 or higher and use of big, floppy hats are advised when taking Liz into the sun. Smoking around Liz is strongly discouraged. It’ll kill you, and it makes you smell really bad.
Do not engage in the following activities around Liz, as you will get an earful if you do: bigotry, littering, animal cruelty, playing of Ke$ha’s so-called music, or complaining about gas prices while you drive two blocks to visit Walgreens. Also be advised that hearty laughter and good-natured mocking will likely be directed at you if you should happen to wear jeggings, root for the Yankees or Cardinals, confess to watching “The Bachelor,” decorate your lawn with anything large and inflatable, or drink white zinfandel in the presence of Liz.
When taking Liz on long car trips, please note that extreme sleepiness and spontaneous napping may occur, so really, you’d better drive.
Liz’s exposure to the following items should be limited, as she has very little self control when it comes to them: mint M&Ms, shelled pistachios, cute purses and hats, havarti cheese, and Angry Birds.
Liz has no known expiration date. That is not to say Liz will not expire at some point. Hopefully, that won’t be for quite a while, though.
Talk to your health care provider if you experience dizziness upon standing, extreme weakness, unexplained flu-like symptoms, an erection lasting more than 4 hours, sudden loss of vision, or chest pains. This probably has nothing to do with Liz, it’s just good advice in general.